I’ve not been around here much over the last few months but that’s because I started a new job back in October and since then, things have been relatively stable with my Cyclothymia.
I am working as an administration assistant for a company that analyses medical data and that’s really all I’m allowed to say, as they are very strict on confidentiality. I’m enjoying the job – it’s always busy but not stressfully busy, and I’m pretty much left to get on with it. I find I work much better that way – leave me alone to figure it out for myself and I’m fine. Keep interfering and ‘suggesting’ ways to do something differently = bloody annoying.
My circle of trust has significantly decreased since leaving my last job. I’m not going to be unfriendly, but I don’t want to make any new friends. There is a girl who started at this job on the same day as me, and we get on ok, but there’s definitely a huge generation gap. She’s 27, I’m 50 next month. She talks about things I have no interest in whatsoever, and I must seem as old as the dinosaurs to her when I talk about 80’s music! She asked who sang ‘Tiny Dancer’ the other week so I said ‘Elton John.’ She found this hilarious as she meant the cover verson. I didn’t know there was a cover version,and in any case, I wasn’t wrong!
I do not trust anyone in a management position now. They tell you one thing and do the complete opposite, and they are only interested in themselves. They’d throw you under the bus given half the chance. I’ve had three probation reviews at my new job and although they’ve all gone well and I’ve received some really good feedback, I’m still not 100% convinced they mean it.
I have told them about my mental health issues and explained very briefly what it means, but there’s still that nagging doubt in my mind that one meltdown will be one too many and I’ll be right back to square one again. Seriously, if that happens then I am never working again.
I said at the beginning that my Cyclothymia had been relatively stable since leaving my other job. Well I’ve had a few small wobbly moments when I’ve felt a bit paranoid or anxious. I just don’t want it becoming a ‘thing’ again. I don’t care what people say about opening up about mental health, it’s still very much misunderstood in the workplace, and my problems are purely related to the amount of pressure I’m under.
If there’s no pressure, then I’m fine and I can manage my emotions, thoughts and reactions. I need that space to feel able to figure things out in my own time.
The Vicious Cycle 