I’ve been away for a few days following my favourite singer around the UK on his latest tour. I saw him four times in total (it was going to be five but yesterday I didn’t feel too good so I came home) and it was really good fun. I’ve been following him for years and so he knows me and it was good to have a little chat with him each day during the sound-checks.
Mental-health wise I’ve not been too bad considering having to travel by myself and find my own way to hotels and venues, etc. The only time I had a mild wobble was when I suddenly thought I’d got into a dodgy taxi in Cardiff after the gig as he seemed to be taking me all around the houses to get to my hotel. The driver’s mood changed when I confronted him and made sure we were definitely going in the right direction, which freaked me out a little bit. This may have had something to do with my decision to come home, I don’t know.
Anyway I now have to think about what I want to do for the rest of my life. I’m now unemployed and quite possibly unemployable. I have to go to the doctor this week to find out what my options are regarding benefits and stuff as I have literally no idea where to start. I also quite fancy going into business with my friend, as she’s recently given up her job after being treated like crap by her bosses. It would be hard work, but at least we can do what we want to do.
I’m looking at job advertisements online and I have yet to see anything that makes me think ‘Oh yeah, I’d really like to do that!’ They all want people who can use their initiative and cope well under pressure. Well that’s me out then. I wouldn’t even be asked for an interview if those are the basic criteria. I have applied for a couple of jobs, but I’m not confident.
People are telling me that I deserve to take some time out and not rush into the first job that comes along. I’ve done that before and that really did not work out well. Two months later I took myself to hospital as I was having a complete meltdown. I was convinced that the team leaders at this place I was working were conspiring against each other about me. One was saying I was doing really well, and the other was saying (in not so many words) ‘If you don’t like it, you know where the door is.’ I couldn’t cope with being there anymore, so I got up and walked out while I still had a customer on the phone. At the hospital they couldn’t really do anything for me of course, but I just sat and talked to a lovely nurse who thought there might be some underlying mental health issues. Turns out she was right!
What gets me is that mental health is the ‘hot topic’ right now. It’s what everyone is talking about and saying how important it is for companies and managers to recognise the signs when employees are behaving out of character. I thought things were changing, as ten years ago I lost count of the number of disciplinary hearings I had to endure because I’d been unable to cope. In my most recent job I thought I had lots of support and encouragement but it was all false. It was just so that they (the organisation I worked for) could tick a few boxes and say they had done this or that to support people with mental health issues. Managers and companies don’t really care, because every minute they spend with you asking why you’re depressed or don’t feel like answering the phone today, theyre not doing the ‘important stuff’. That is literally all they care about. It’s all fake.
So that’s why I want to go into business for myself or with my friend. Big bosses have screwed me over once too often now. I’m nearly 50 and I’ve had enough of being lulled into a false sense of security only to be made to feel like an idiot for trusting them. If I ever had someone working for me who had a tiny fraction of the problems I’ve had, I would make sure I looked after them.
The Vicious Cycle 