I was talking to one of my oldest friends today and she reminded me of a few strange ‘symptoms’ of mine from years ago. I’d mostly forgotten about these but when we got talking about it, some tiny fragments of memory came back.
When I was at junior school I would have these periods where I would become emotionally overwhelmed or over-stimulated. My friend remembers having to sit with me in a quiet place until I felt better. I would appear distant and confused for some time, and then I would be ok again. Knowing what I know now, the only thing I could describe it as would be some sort of anxiety or panic attack, but the weird thing is I only have very vague recollections of these periods. Obviously it was a long time ago, but why wouldn’t the school tell my parents about these episodes?
In later years when we started going out to pubs and clubs, my friend says I would sometimes become nauseous, unable to deal with the noise/lights/etc, my body temperature would rise and I would either pass out or become emotional. I had forgotten all about this but I do remember one occasion where I had tried to go to the toilet but had left it too late. I remember that my friend had a spare pair of knickers in her handbag and so I had to borrow them. She was convinced that my drink had been spiked and insisted on calling an ambulance but apparently I had just wanted to go home.
Now I don’t know if any of this was related to my epilepsy or my Cyclothymia or if it was something else. I was only diagnosed with epilepsy at the age of 36 so I’m used to being a bit late to the party.
I decided to write a list of the symptoms I get on my worst days and here it is. I’ve had a few of these over the weekend:
- Uncontrollable crying and not being able to explain why
- Brief spells of feeling ‘not really here’ like a mini absence seizure
- Anxiety/nervousness/panic attacks
- Very low self-confidence
- Very low self-esteem and feelings of inadequacy
- Unable to use initiative
- Unable to think clearly (‘brain fog’)
- Unable to follow and remember complex information or instructions
- Low mood/irritability that affects people around me
- Bad temper/anger issues
- Unmotivated: less likely to exercise or do things I know will make me feel better
- Apathy
- Unwilling and unable to socialise
- Feeling mentally and physically exhausted
- Poor short-term memory and concentration
- Occasional poor personal hygiene (mainly forgetting to brush my teeth)
- Loss of interest in things I normally like
- Restlessness
- Not wanting to talk to people on the phone
- Interrupted sleep or difficulty getting to sleep due to overthinking
- Feelings of being confused or overwhelmed
- Poor diet/prone to over-eating unhealthy food
- Feelings of being under intense pressure
- Unable to cope with conflict or confrontation
- Unable to make decisions
- Low-risk self harm such as nail biting or hair-pulling
- Thoughts of wanting to ‘run away’
- Feelings of malice or resentfulness towards others
- Thoughts of suicide
The physical symptoms I get are:
- Migraine which can last up to 12 to 18 hours
- Nausea
- Stomach pain/diarrhoea
- Seizures
So through my research I know that a lot of these symptoms are related to Cyclothymia. Until a month ago I had only vaguely heard of the condition but now it all seems to make sense. I need to go back to my GP next week and tell her that this illness has now been a contributing factor to me losing my job. I worry that if I get another job, the same thing is going to happen again in a couple of years. I am seriously beginning to wonder if work is something I can do at all, judging by that list.
The Vicious Cycle 