When I’m in a hypomanic (or ‘up’) phase of Cyclothymia, I seem to have a lot more creative energy. I can write for hours, or another of my favourite hobbies is cross-stitch, so I can sit and sew until I can’t see. I love being creative and artistic.
I also become completely engrossed in something. A while ago I was going to gym classes after work almost every night and I loved the feeling I got after finishing a class. It was like a huge sense of achievement because I’m generally not the fittest person in the world. One of my favourite classes is Body Combat. The best way I can describe it if you’ve never heard of it is it’s boxing moves combined with dance music. It’s a full-on high energy class and it makes you ache in places you didn’t know you had. It’s an amazing way to release some pent-up anger or stress too. You just imagine the person who’s annoyed you standing in front of you and you just give them a right hook or a left upper cut.
I also love going to dance classes at my gym. I’m not the best dancer in the world, but I love music and the feeling of freedom that dancing gives me. Nobody cares if you get it wrong – it’s all about feeling good.
A couple of years ago I went to see my favourite singer on his solo tour around the UK. I won’t mention any names because for the time being I want to keep this blog anonymous, but for the people reading this who know me – well my name on here is a massive clue). Anyway I digress. I was with my best friend in a town neither of us had ever been to before, so I suggested finding the venue. My friend assumed that I wanted to see if ‘He’ was there yet, and with it only being early afternoon I knew him well enough to know that he wouldn’t be there yet. I took her comments to mean that I was being stupid. I wanted to go home. I knew I was over-reacting but I was annoyed at her for thinking I was stupid. I know now that this is typical of a depressive phase – the strong feeling of wanting to run away. I ignored it and carried on.
The town also had zero phone signal so I couldn’t even let anyone know I’d arrived safely so that pissed me off. I already hated this town. We went into a Costa for a coffee and something to eat, but I was trying to lose weight at the time and Costa is lovely, but not really suitable if you’re counting the calories. So naturally I was annoyed that there was nothing I could have and took it quite personally.
We went to our hotel and I don’t know what started me off, but I could not stop crying. I was absolutely sobbing and I didn’t know why (I do now, obviously). Knowing what I do now about Cyclo and Bipolar Disorder, it was screamingly obvious that I had it. I didn’t know what to do with myself, and my friend couldn’t help me. I couldn’t explain to her what was wrong because I didn’t know. I just knew I had to let all this emotion out of me. She decided to leave me for a while and I agreed that we could both do with some space. I still had this really intense feeling of wanting to be in my own room at home.
No matter where I’ve lived over the years, my bedroom has been my sanctuary. Surrounded by my own things, and curling up on the same creaky old bed I’ve had for years is just my idea of comfort. I’ve stayed in a lot of hotel rooms since I started following the band around and mostly they are comfortable and clean enough, but you can’t beat your own bed.
A couple of hours later my friend texted me and asked if it was ok if she came back to the hotel room. I replied that of course it was, and I had no idea what the hell all that crying was about. Everything was fine after that and the gig was one of his best ever. If I’d gone home I would have missed it, and been even more upset. Funny how I never consider that at the time when I feel like running away though.
Another thing I’ve done when I’m low or going through a depressive phase is eat my body weight in biscuits. I’m ashamed to admit it but I get incredibly greedy and sneaky with food. For example I buy two massive bars of chocolate, kidding myself that one of them is for my housemate, but then I hide them and keep both of them for me. I have done that so often it’s unreal. I’ve literally eaten an entire packet of Rich Tea (which are the most boring biscuits on the planet) in one go. I can eat my dinner, then a little while later go and get some crackers and hummous for example and eat the entire lot. From personal experience I wouldn’t advise eating a whole tub of hummous. It has quite an effect on a person’s digestive system I can tell you.
I simply do not allow myself to buy Jaffa Cakes or Nutella anymore. It’s practically carnage if I do. I tell myself ‘Sod it, this will make me feel better,’ when I know it won’t. I’ve binged for years and it’s never made me feel better. All it does is make me feel like crap about myself for being so greedy.
When I’m levelled out mood-wise, like I think I am at the moment, I’ll eat normally. I might try keeping a food-diary again because when I did that a few years ago I managed to lose three stone. If you can ‘see’ what you’ve eaten during the day it really does make a difference.
So that’s a little bit more about my experiences with Cyclothymia. Hopefully I’ll be able to remember a few more examples to put up here so if anyone is reading this, they might get the answers they’re looking for like I was for so long.
The Vicious Cycle 